These Things Always Happen to Me

 I stepped into my building's elevator the other night at like 2 am with an Asian man who was carrying a plastic bag, tied at the top, receipt hanging off of it. Without thinking I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering this late?" His response, "I live here." Fuck.

I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled at me and nodded. When I took one of her bags she flipped out. Apparently she was deaf. 

I once  meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward".

A co-worker had to leave work early and on his way out all I said was "have fun". He was leaving for a funeral, unbeknownst to me.

I've sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of deodorant.  I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms.

I went to get a scratch off ticket, and the dude in front of me got the same kind I was going to get. He won 500 dollars. I got 2 bucks.

I got an email spam from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you".

I never park on the street. The one time I did, I found my car window vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck".  I don't,  and have never known a Hannah. The guy who had just traded in his car like mine for a truck was parked in front of me.

I stole one of my friend's chocolates  from the cupboard while he got ready to go out., after I ate it, I read the wrapper and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. 

I saw someone I knew on the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to call him. He took his phone out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up.

One morning I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. Meeting was canceled. Didn't check text messages.