NOODLE ON MY ARM!

Why can't people just chew with their fucking mouths closed?  Is it really that hard to hold off on telling me your excellent news about your totally bodacious day for like 30 seconds? Or is it just out of necessity/habit that you scream-laugh into MY food while I am TRYING to enjoy my lunch/dinner with you? 

Hang on... breaking news:

WE ARE AT THE SAME TABLE

Im not going to get up and leave right at that precise moment that you have stopped chewing and can FINALLY tell me that story that I can obviously see you are holding back on so you can slide your gruel down your gullet. You have given me the "Oooh! I have to tell you something!" motion with your index finger... you know... the "Number 1" symbol, but with an up-and-down jiggly motion?

Ya. I know what that means. STOP BATHING ME IN YOUR MEAL.

I like sushi as much as the next guy, but this isn't a day spa, and I don't need a kelp bath.

Close your mouth. Chew. Relax. Enjoy. Shut the fuck up.

-Toast