Friday, June 5, 2009

Clowns? Hah! I Laugh in the FACE of Clowns!

So... I realize that the title may be misleading, because I have no intention of even TALKING about clowns... but for your own sick, self-satisfaction, here is my favorite picture of a clown:



Thats the girl from "The Big Comfy Couch". Ya. I know. I got a wood too.

Anyways... what I wanted to rant about was the fact that there are people in this world that scare the living fuck out of me. Like not in the "Oh my fuck! I just shit my pants!" scared.... The "Jesus fuck Christ, you will be the end of human existence" scared.

These people breed. They mate. Their children will grow up in a home of idiocy and all hope will be lost.

I am going to break these people down into five categories, and you can be damn sure you know at least three of these people.

1.) The Workoholic.

Everyone knows one. You may work with one, or most recently quit your job because they were driving you fucking nuts. Usually named "Cathy, Bob, Jim, or Lorraine", these people's lives revolve around the workplace and schedules and rules. They have a custom keyboard, a laser mouse, an ergonomic mousepad and lumbar support chair, and they have those really "cute" screensavers that drive you off the fucking wall to just know they are on the screen. (They usually involve kittens or cute sayings like "Cubicle Sweet Cubicle".)
These morons even go as far as having framed pictures of their pets on their desks because they don't have time for dating. If you ever invite them out, they will chew your ear off about the new TPS reports that need to be finished by Monday. STFU!


2.) The Idiot Savant.

Oh, the idiot savant. Society's reason for aspirin and vodka. I'm not talking about handicapped people, but I might as well be. I can guarantee everyone has one of these friends. They can tell you what colour the last 60 cars that drove by were, but they can't answer a question regarding anything political, mathematical, grammical... etc. They are the ones that you see pedestrians grabbing by the shoulders to pull them back from stepping in front of busses because they weren't paying attention. I don't mean to generalize, but we call these people "blondes" alot, but it's only because we can't call them fucking idiots to their face. Most of them got "A"s in school. It's because the teacher felt bad. Trust me. They passed nothing. I refer to them as "Ralph"s. (see The Simpsons.)

3.) The Bible Thumper

So sweet and innocent... Nothing in the world is bad because God created it..They love everyone! NOT! They hate you and your sinning ways, and unless you are Jesus Yahweh Christ, they want to have nothing to do with your lifestyle choices or your friendship. They will change ANY subject of conversation to talk about what is "right" and "godly". I have nothing against belief and faith, but shut the fuck up already. No one gives a shit about what you believe. No one. Not even the people in your church want to hear the shit they just heard in Sunday service repeated word for word. Keep it to yourself. *Plugs Ears* lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.......


4.) The Bar Star
Foam Night at Collage []

Oh my christ... where do I start..... All these clubber people call you at 4am for a ride home from some rando's house because they cant remember how they got there, and they have just drank their weight in booze. They have meaningless jobs that make them JUST enough money to pay for their weekends of debauchery and text messaging. You can spot them in a crowd on monday... The stamp on their hand won't wash off, and their hair smells like bar and smoke and shame. The only reason you associate with these ones is to make you feel better about your life by hearing about how badly they disgraced themselves in public.

5.) The "Check This Out" Guy.

The bane of our existence. You will usually find them at parties jumping off the roof into a kiddie pool, or in an Emergency Room complaining that the buzz saw malfunctioned, and they want their fingers back. Immune to the effects of beer, these little gems will have you second-guessing the theory of evolution. Somewhere, in the bush, there is a family of these lunatics procreating (with each other, cuz hey, if ya can't get a date at a family reunion....) Backyard wrestling, lawnmower racing, and modification of already deadly weapons are a few of the "Bush Ape"s pasttimes. Beware of the mullet. It seems to hold all of their powers.


6.) **BONUS** The Tech-Nerd

So you are at a party, talking about the state of the economy, or what you did last summer, when all of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you catch the reflection of contempt in a pair of black-rimmed, Drew Carey-Buddy Holly glasses. These guys hate Macs. Bill Gates is their Buddha. Do NOT start a conversation about computers. It's like you are talking about their mothers, and they will degrade you to no end. They know everything and you know nothing, and they have no problem with clarifying this fact. PC Nerds love everything electronic, and they don;t make plans for the weekend because their Guild is doing a 25-man raid in WOW, and they need to conserve their energy. Guess what, Urkel? I just raised my stats. I'm +10 in "Girlfriend" and I rolled a +97 in "Life."

-Toast

Friday, May 8, 2009

I just wanted to write a quick post about whats going on! 
Life is rushing by at an amazing pace. Over the top stress right now for sure. Very lucky to have the people in my life that I have though to get me through it. Everyone has been totally supportive of my album and music and stuff, You might think evreything is taking a long time, but let me assure you that I want to get it right so you can hear the full effect of the songs.

One of the things I'm working on is a song with a full strings section. Under the radar though... Maybe let you hear a sneak peek soon. Another one is gunna be cool too. Not to brag, but I'm pretty awesome. Don't forget to keep visiting the website. You won't want to miss out on all the changes coming soon to the look and feel of the site.

-J.

Lyrics? Or just a state of mind.

I'm in love with a girl.
She changed my life for the better.
Gave me so much to give
a new way to live
in her arms.

I'm in love with a girl
whose smile is the god I have never prayed to.
The stars  and constellations have
NOTHING compared to the twinkle in her eye.


I'm in love with a girl
who loves me for who I am,
not what I can be sometimes, but always.
Nothing makes me happier
than when she's happy.

I'm in love with a girl
that could change the world with her words.
Her eloquence is only succeded by her grace.
Perfect to the "t" and she doesn't even know it.

I'm in love with a girl
who is on my mind all day.
Her thought embedded in every sense
of my being.

I'm in love with a girl 
who has given me the greatest gift.
She has provided me with
everything I need and could ever ask for.

I'm in love with a girl.

-Jay.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

MTV? Nope.


MTV does not exist anymore. It is a name, A brand.  I have yet to see ONE valid music video, or even a show ABOUT music on that station.  With shows like "The Hills" and "CRIBS" and such, who the fuck do they think they are still calling it MTV? 

I can not STAND The Hills. These people are getting paid to live. Literally. They get paychecksto go about their normal daily lives. Do you know how stupid and mundane that is?  The economy is in the shitter, and MTV pays these people millions of dollars to drink wine and call people on their cell phones.  It makes me wish a fire would engulf Hollywood and burn like a tire yard.

Let me just start with Lauren Conrad... 

she is all over the fucking place. I don't even think she HAS an opinion of her own. All she talks about is hair and boys. If she had to make an executive decision on the spot, I'm sure a bomb would get dropped somewhere or an angel would die.

Next off... how the FUCK do they find the "VJ"s (video jockeys) for this station? They have ridiculous personalities, over the top views, and REALLY annoying voices. They talk like they are doing a children's program. Literally.  

I can't think of the last time i was sitting around flipping through the channels and thought "Hey! I could go for some MTV right now." I would sooner reach for a gun and start writing a fucking note, because I would know my life as I knew it had ended anyways. 

And what is with "Real World"????   
HOW can you call a TV SHOW  "REAL WORLD"? That isn't the real world. The real world is all the people staring at their TVs in disbelief that this made it into regular programming.  What executive thought "Hey! I got an idea! Lets throw a few sluts and a bunch of brain deadroidmonkeys in a house together and make them do stuff for money and broadcast it on TV!"

God dammit people! Wake up and watch something that MATTERS! Watch the Discovery channel or something... History TV, A&E, TLC, LIFE Network... ANYTHING. 

This Reality TV shit has to stop. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore when I pick up the TV controller. What happened to all the good TV shows? When did we start watching other people do real shit? I feel like a fucking voyeur. A pervert. Like I'm WATCHING these people's every move.


And some people get SO enthralled and into it. MTV has a "Hills After show" where they sit around and fucking talk about what they JUST watched for like a fucking HOUR!  
Seriously, folks... I can't make this shit up. They have a studio audience that sit around and do Q&A with real stars of the show, and they all talk and yammer for an hour about what they think about the show, and what Lauren was wearing, and how they shouldn't talk about such and such, and not to blow Brody Jenner.... you know what???

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PLAY SOME MUSIC!

Do you know how many good bands are out there right now that are struggling for the chance to get noticed? Do people even bother MAKING music videos anymore other than like Usher, Ne-Yo, and Fiddy Cent? Nope. And I'll tell you why... THERE IS NO MEDIUM TO DISPLAY THEM. 
 You have a better chance marketing your SONG to a TV SHOW then to get a record deal. Yup. It's true.  Artists that got their start/boost by having their songs on a TV show: (the OC) "All American Rejects" , "Something Corporate", "Dashboard Confessional", "Imogen Heap",  "Adele"  etc etc etc... I'm just saying... Fuck reality TV because it's not reality. It's a diversion from life. A diversion from learning, and most of all... a diversion from music.

-Toast

New Drivers and Homeless People

So... imagine you are on the freeway... travelling about 100-120 km/hr  and up ahead you see a car pulled off to the shoulder... You are in the right hand lane, mind you, but this car has its hazards on, so you assume he is in some kind of trouble with his vehicular transportation device. As you begin to close on this vehicle, through the rear windshield, you notice that the car (or "deathtrap on wheels in the hands of a fucking lunatic" as we will later refer to it) is packed with 4 or 5 kids. I say "kids" because I'm an old, grumpy man, and also because they were punk fucking kids. I would assume the driver is about 16 and his passengers range from 14-16.

Anyways...  as you close on this deathtrap on wheels in the hands of a fucking lunatic, and are about to pass it, it suddenly darts out from the shoulder into your lane. Now remember... you are not far from this car at all, so you SLAM on the brakes, and instead of the lunatic in fron of you continuing to accellerate, to move his car away from you... he hears the brakes of your car squeal, SO HE HITS HIS TOO IN PANIC.

So... to bring you up to speed (no pun intended), you are now stopped behind a car full of kids that have now shit themselves, gripping your steering wheel in shock and rage, and there are cars whizzing past you at the speed of light.

What does the fucking asshole, prick, fuckhead, imbecile do? HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR TO SEE IF EVERYTHING IS OK!  

Now I'm no rocket scientist, but I'm pretty sure that if i even have the slightest common sense and driving skill, I would know not to get out of my car, while stopped in a lane on the FREEWAY. There are about 75.8 Billion things I would do before I did that. 

So this is when I turn into "Mr. Awesome Fun-to-Deal-With Guy".  I roll down my window.. poke my head out a bit and ask.. "So how is the suicide mission going today? Looks like you might succeed this time!"  *blank stare from kid*   "I suggest you get back in your car and get your friends to safety before you and your car are turned to dust by someone that doesnt have brakes as good as mine are."

So he scurries back to his drivers seat.. starts the car.. and books it.   

In conclusion... I feel that new drivers should be tested a little more rigorously. Like.. there should be a pack of bikers that follow them on their road test with chains and crowbars,  slamming on the hood and trunk while they drive.  I think after that, they would be a little more sound of mind driving in NORMAL conditions.  

Please... parents... if your kid has JUST got their license.. make sure that their IQ is higher than their shoe size before you let them use your $65,000.00 car.

-Toast


Saturday, February 28, 2009

"You Have Got to Be Kidding Me"

sometimes people say really stupid shit and they don't even realize it. They probably won't realize it until they get home, sit down on the couch, put their feet up, flip on the TV and get relaxed. Then all of a sudden their eyes will get wide and their first reaction will be to call you to try and remedy what they've just said out of sheer stupidity. People nowadays really need to give their heads a shake and wake up to what's going on around them. 

There is a lot of crazy shit going on right now in the world. The world, not your world. No one gives a fuck about your stupid fundraising campaign for your kid's soccer team, or where you go to get your nails done, or where you got your cell phone, or anything else  ridiculously material and shallow. 

Your kids love soccer. That's great. There are people down the street that would love to eat too but they can't do that whenever they feel like it.  I don't think I could justify going out and buying a box of oranges to cut into slices for my kids to eat their soccer game when I know that that box of oranges could go to 30 people that probably haven't eaten in a month.

I just think about these things sometimes and wonder if I'm doing enough with my life to help other people to my greatest ability. I understand that not all homeless people are needy, but everyone needs to eat. We all take advantage of the fact that we have food readily available. Case in point: have you ever sat around your house, felt hungry, so you went and searched the cupboards for something to eat and said to yourself: " there is nothing to eat!"?
Think about that for a second. Do you know how many people would kill to have just one of those things that you have in your cupboard?

I'm not saying that I'm a saint and that I dedicate my time to helping homeless people, and I am not trying to guilt trip anyone. I am simply bringing to light a fact that we take advantage of every day. 

I am bringing all this up because the state of our economy is dire. People are losing their jobs which not only slows production, but slows the cash flow in and out of small businesses locally and nationally, which hurts us all. Someone actually had the balls to ask me if I could donate money towards their child's soccer team. Not only that, but she was driving a $60,000 car.
How do you grow the balls to walk up to someone on the street that you have never met, and ask them for money  when they just saw you exit your Mercedes-Benz? Balls of steel my friend, balls of steel.

The best thing that the government could do, and I mean this whole heartedly, is to get everyone in Canada that works or collects welfare to donate a Toonie from every paycheck for the next six months, and all of that money would be used for affordable housing  projects in Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Winnipeg, Toronto, MontrĂ©al... and to fill the food banks attached to those housing projects. Also, the government needs to issue a new system with the welfare distribution. If you apply for welfare, you must pass a drug test, and post a resume on Workopolis/monster.com for general labor duties. I literally cannot believe the lineups outside the welfare office every second Wednesday. Some of the people standing in the lineup I actually recognize, just from the sheer fact of seeing them there all the time. If you have been on welfare for a year, and haven't gained a job, even at McDonald's, you are pretty much useless to society. If you go to work everyday and wonder where your tax dollars are going.... you are looking at it, pal.  Standing in that lineup rubbing their hands together, thinking" free money!"

Also, I am not racist by any means, but people that move to this country and have been here for years really need to learn the God damned language of their new home. I don't understand how you could live in a country full time for years, and not know of for a freaking word of the language. I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not being racist. Everyone has met someone that gives them the blank stare when you ask them a question, and you know that it's because they have no idea what you're talking about. And these are people that run businesses, look after our children, work in food processing plants, work in the medical fields, and other scary things like that where you should know the native language.

Imagine, the whole time someone from another country is in an orientation for a job, they nod their head in agreement, signed a piece of paper, and are put out on the production floor... now imagine that it is a food processing plant, and they have just not understood the words "wash your hands regularly". Imagine that. Think about that one for a minute.

I know for a fact that if I move to a foreign country full-time for work, family, or any other reason... I know I would have to learn the language to survive.  I'm not talking about the people with thick accents and dialects, or the tourists that are just trying to have that "great vacation" in a country they've never been to. I'm talking about the people that live here in this country, and have made it their home. Their refuge. Their place of prosper... and have absolutely no fucking clue what you're talking about when you ask them a simple question. It is insanely frustrating to know that these people are allowed to drive a motor vehicle, which by the way kill people, but they can't tell you where the closest washroom is.

Just to clear things up, I am proud that this country is so diverse in its ethnicities, and that we have developed a society that is almost totally accepting of people regardless of their race, nationality, or religious preference. But please, people: if you are going to move somewhere, please make an effort to understand basic linguistics.

Another thing I want to talk about is the government stating that we need to crack down on gun laws/gang wars in the greater metropolitan areas.  I have a better solution: train your border guards to find shit before it comes into our country. If the government honestly believes, and I know for a fact it's not true - don't ask, that the guns are local, the drugs are local, the gangs are local, and that this is all new... they need to really give their heads a shake. The smuggling trade between Canada and the US has been going on for literally 100 years. The government is worried about grow ops, but what they should be worrying about is who is on whose payroll at the border. Think about how much money the government could be making off of taxing marijuana if people are smoking it illegally already. Imagine if there was marijuana vending machines just like the old cigarette machines. All proceeds taxable.

I honestly believe that the old saying " guns don't kill people, people kill people." But,  To be fair, handguns have no place in the world except at a shooting range. All the gun nuts say they need handguns to protect themselves. But what are they protecting ourselves from? Other idiots with handguns. it's a vicious cycle that needs to be ended.  A great way to end gang activity is to get rid of the glamour.  What do you think would happen if drugs were legal and taxable and controlled by the government? The drugrunners would have no market. No one wants to buy dirty drugs, right? Pharmaceutical grade marijuana over the counter, no prescription necessary but you got a tax.

That's about all I needed to get off my chest, and this post went longer than expected. If you don't like it, stop reading.

Yours Truly,
-toast.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

These Things Always Happen to Me

 I stepped into my building's elevator the other night at like 2 am with an Asian man who was carrying a plastic bag, tied at the top, receipt hanging off of it. Without thinking I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering this late?" His response, "I live here." Fuck.

I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled at me and nodded. When I took one of her bags she flipped out. Apparently she was deaf. 


I once  meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward".

A co-worker had to leave work early and on his way out all I said was "have fun". He was leaving for a funeral, unbeknownst to me.

I've sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of deodorant.  I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms.

I went to get a scratch off ticket, and the dude in front of me got the same kind I was going to get. He won 500 dollars. I got 2 bucks.

I got an email spam from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you".

I never park on the street. The one time I did, I found my car window vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck".  I don't,  and have never known a Hannah. The guy who had just traded in his car like mine for a truck was parked in front of me.

I stole one of my friend's chocolates  from the cupboard while he got ready to go out., after I ate it, I read the wrapper and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. 

I saw someone I knew on the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to call him. He took his phone out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up.

One morning I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. Meeting was canceled. Didn't check text messages.