Clowns? Hah! I Laugh in the FACE of Clowns!

So... I realize that the title may be misleading, because I have no intention of even TALKING about clowns... but for your own sick, self-satisfaction, here is my favorite picture of a clown:

Thats the girl from "The Big Comfy Couch". Ya. I know. I got a wood too.

Anyways... what I wanted to rant about was the fact that there are people in this world that scare the living fuck out of me. Like not in the "Oh my fuck! I just shit my pants!" scared.... The "Jesus fuck Christ, you will be the end of human existence" scared.

These people breed. They mate. Their children will grow up in a home of idiocy and all hope will be lost.

I am going to break these people down into five categories, and you can be damn sure you know at least three of these people.

1.) The Workoholic.

Everyone knows one. You may work with one, or most recently quit your job because they were driving you fucking nuts. Usually named "Cathy, Bob, Jim, or Lorraine", these people's lives revolve around the workplace and schedules and rules. They have a custom keyboard, a laser mouse, an ergonomic mousepad and lumbar support chair, and they have those really "cute" screensavers that drive you off the fucking wall to just know they are on the screen. (They usually involve kittens or cute sayings like "Cubicle Sweet Cubicle".)

These morons even go as far as having framed pictures of their pets on their desks because they don't have time for dating. If you ever invite them out, they will chew your ear off about the new TPS reports that need to be finished by Monday. STFU!

2.) The Idiot Savant.

Oh, the idiot savant. Society's reason for aspirin and vodka. I'm not talking about handicapped people, but I might as well be. I can guarantee everyone has one of these friends. They can tell you what colour the last 60 cars that drove by were, but they can't answer a question regarding anything political, mathematical, grammical... etc. They are the ones that you see pedestrians grabbing by the shoulders to pull them back from stepping in front of busses because they weren't paying attention. I don't mean to generalize, but we call these people "blondes" alot, but it's only because we can't call them fucking idiots to their face. Most of them got "A"s in school. It's because the teacher felt bad. Trust me. They passed nothing. I refer to them as "Ralph"s. (see The Simpsons.)

3.) The Bible Thumper

So sweet and innocent... Nothing in the world is bad because God created it..They love everyone! NOT! They hate you and your sinning ways, and unless you are Jesus Yahweh Christ, they want to have nothing to do with your lifestyle choices or your friendship. They will change ANY subject of conversation to talk about what is "right" and "godly". I have nothing against belief and faith, but shut the fuck up already. No one gives a shit about what you believe. No one. Not even the people in your church want to hear the shit they just heard in Sunday service repeated word for word. Keep it to yourself. *Plugs Ears* lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.......

4.) The Bar Star

Oh my christ... where do I start..... All these clubber people call you at 4am for a ride home from some rando's house because they cant remember how they got there, and they have just drank their weight in booze. They have meaningless jobs that make them JUST enough money to pay for their weekends of debauchery and text messaging. You can spot them in a crowd on monday... The stamp on their hand won't wash off, and their hair smells like bar and smoke and shame. The only reason you associate with these ones is to make you feel better about your life by hearing about how badly they disgraced themselves in public.

5.) The "Check This Out" Guy.

The bane of our existence. You will usually find them at parties jumping off the roof into a kiddie pool, or in an Emergency Room complaining that the buzz saw malfunctioned, and they want their fingers back. Immune to the effects of beer, these little gems will have you second-guessing the theory of evolution. Somewhere, in the bush, there is a family of these lunatics procreating (with each other, cuz hey, if ya can't get a date at a family reunion....) Backyard wrestling, lawnmower racing, and modification of already deadly weapons are a few of the "Bush Ape"s pasttimes. Beware of the mullet. It seems to hold all of their powers.

6.) **BONUS** The Tech-Nerd

So you are at a party, talking about the state of the economy, or what you did last summer, when all of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you catch the reflection of contempt in a pair of black-rimmed, Drew Carey-Buddy Holly glasses. These guys hate Macs. Bill Gates is their Buddha. Do NOT start a conversation about computers. It's like you are talking about their mothers, and they will degrade you to no end. They know everything and you know nothing, and they have no problem with clarifying this fact. PC Nerds love everything electronic, and they don;t make plans for the weekend because their Guild is doing a 25-man raid in WOW, and they need to conserve their energy. Guess what, Urkel? I just raised my stats. I'm +10 in "Girlfriend" and I rolled a +97 in "Life."

-Toast